A Tale of Sawdust and Stupid Juries

An Update From Court

February 21st, 2024

Hello, beloved readers, Hunter here, bringing you the latest chapter in the never-dull saga that is my life. Now, gather 'round, cause I've got a banger that we just cooked up.

So, my ever-diligent attorneys (thanks Dad btw), have been duking it out with those federal prosecutors who seem to think that every white powdery substance in my vicinity is, well, you know... But here's the kicker: they're now claiming that what they thought was my weekend supply was actually just...sawdust. Yes, you read that right. Sawdust.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Hunter, my man, why on earth would you have lines of sawdust lying around?" And to that, I say: Why not? Maybe I was feeling a bit crafty, perhaps whittling a new pipe or something. A man's got hobbies, after all.

But let's cut to the chase. The idea that I, Hunter Biden, would stoop so low as to snort sawdust? Please, give me some credit. My tastes are, shall we say, a tad more refined. But here's where it gets really juicy: my legal eagles think this sawdust snafu might just be our golden ticket. You see, they reckon that your average jury member hasn't seen a mountain of coke quite like mine and might just buy this whole sawdust saga.

I mean, it's pure genius, right? "Surely, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you don't believe that Hunter Biden, scion of the Biden dynasty, would indulge in something as pedestrian as sawdust?" It's like accusing Gordon Ramsay of cooking with ketchup.

So, as we gear up for this circus they call a trial, I'm banking on the naivety of these "peasants" in the jury box. With a little luck and a lot of legal mumbo jumbo, they'll be eating out of the palm of my hand.

In the meantime, I'll be here, sipping on a single malt, chuckling at the absurdity of it all. Sawdust, cocaine, what's next? Stay tuned, dear readers, for the next installment of "The Hunter Biden Report."

Yours in high spirits,

- H.B.